Blending families together can be hard. No matter what your blended family consists of, adding new people to your family creates change and struggles. Even adding a step parent with no children of their own can be a challenge. Here are six foundations for blending a family that I have learned along the way that have helped my family blend better.
- Be open and honest with everyone.
- No one likes to be blindsided, especially by people that they are supposed to trust and love. Do not hide from your kids if you have someone in your life that you’re thinking of introducing to them. Give them time to get used to the idea before they actually meet and understand that this person is someone you care about. Let the significant other know how important your children are to you and exactly what you expect from their relationship with your children. That way they know from the very beginning, your feelings and expectations when it comes to your family.
- Make sure your children know they are still loved.
- When adding new people to the family it can make some of the family feel replaced or less important. That is why it is so important to make time for your children the same as you did before. Arrange time to spend with them one on one, or in smaller groups so they know that they are important and loved by you. It doesn’t have to be a big thing. Maybe you have one of the kids help you make a treat in the kitchen or you play a game with them or paint their nails. By spending time with them you are showing your children with your actions that they are loved. Don’t forget to tell them you love them with your words too!
- Respect should be shown to all parents, biological or step.
- Children are taught from a young age to show respect and listen to their parents, but when a step parent enters the picture things change for the children. There is a new person in their lives that is not Mom or Dad, but is now considered a parent to them. This can be hard and confusing for kids. They need to understand from the beginning before problems arise that this new person is to be respected. At some point the step-parent will be left in charge of the children and respect will need to be shown. They may not be the biological parent, but they are an adult in charge and deserve to be treated with the same respect as any parent.
- Respect needs to be shown to the children too.
- The respect we show children is different from the respect we show adults, but it is still important. Their personal space needs and feelings need to be respected. That does not mean that you can’t upset them, you’re still the parent and some decisions that you make will upset them. That’s the life of a parent. Rather if they aren’t comfortable with certain situations, respect those feelings. If they are not huggers or are not ready to hug a new step-parent do not force hugs. Maybe they do not like a certain nickname, to show respect do not call them by that nickname. By showing them respect, you teach them how to respect, and will better respect you in the future.
- Have clear house rules that are the same for everyone.
- Children need rules and guidelines so they know what is expected of them. Having house rules outlined for everyone with clear consequences lets everyone know what is expected. It is important that all children have the same expectations. Whether they are biological, step, or adopted children, the rules and level of consequence should be the same. I said the same level of consequence because what is a punishment to one child may not be a punishment to another. For example, my daughter loves to play with friends but my son would rather play video games. So being grounded from friends is a good consequence for my daughter and being grounded from video games is a better consequence for my son. Both punishments are on the same level, but more personalized for each child. All children, regardless of how they became your children, should be held to the same expectations and consequences if those expectations are not met. This also shows the children that they are all cared about and loved equally.
- Give to all the children equally.
- Just like expectations and consequences should be equal, what you give the children should be equal as well. What I mean by this is when you give gifts on birthdays and holidays, give allowance, or treat your children to a fun night. Do it equally. Don’t spend $500 on one child at Christmas and only $50 on another. Whether you are a bio parent, step parent, or adoptive parent, give to all your children equally. Again, this also shows them that they are all loved and cared about.
These foundations are so important for blended families. With families that are not blended these foundations happen naturally a lot of the time, but with blended families you have to make more of an effort to make sure these foundations are in place. There are many other things that families need, but I have found these six to be important to ensure that everyone is being treated the way they should be and feel loved.
